I’ve never met Diane face to face.

But she sent me gifts – a pretty scrapbook with pictures of Josie she found on my website, decorated with stickers and paper confetti; two Halloweens ago – a silly reindeer’s antlers for dogs; on Josie’s birthday – a printed lithograph of a Giant Schnauzer, a breed we both loved; and every year – pretty Christmas cards, carefully signed, “Diane, Claire, Beth Anne and Nina.”

Her’s was the only name in the signature line that belonged to a human. The rest were her Schnauzers – her faithful companions that kept her company during those lonely hours.

Diane was a grandmother – that I knew for sure. Her husband had died a few years ago, but she continued to use his email address to correspond. I was one of 12 members on her Giant Schnauzer Yahoo Group that she started a few years ago as a break away from another group that became increasingly negative.

Her intention was to create a group where members could offer mutual support, trade tips on how to raise our dogs and get to each other. And all that we did. She often referred to herself as our “second Mom,” and her expressions of care were welcomed and appreciated. It was a fun group, and I looked forward to reading updates and sneaking short breaks at work.

Over the past few years, the members got to know each other well. As I look back at the archives, I revisit threads of genuine concern during the various busy hurricane seasons. When our dogs got sick, we checked in, sometimes even made phone calls to find out if they’re ok.

I once spoke to Diane on the phone, and she came across as a warm southern lady with good old common sense.

There was no doubt that Diane ran the group. She asserted her personality and came across as a strong, independently wealthy, generous, compassionate and – through emails generously peppered with exclamations and colorful fonts – upbeat.

Nothing revealed the fact she battled depression and intense back pain that had put her on her back for weeks. She certainly didn’t share with us that she was taking Oxycontin, and very high doses of the drug. No one in our group had any clue.

The pieces are now starting to come together. But very slowly.

Laura flew out to Florida last Friday to take custody of the three dogs. Diane had left a note entrusting her companions to Laura and Mike. Laura is a fellow member on the Yahoo Group. When the animal control of Tamarac, Florida called her and Mike’s home in California late last Thursday, she immediately posted a note for the rest of us and was on the first plane headed East…

It has only been 4 days since Diane took her life, and I’m still processing what just happened. And as the pieces of her life come together through updates from Laura and conversations, we are all starting to realize that we may not have known Diane as well as we thought we did.

We now know that Diane’s last few months have been plagued with financial difficulty – with a car repossessed and electricity turned off two weeks ago. And the periods of online silence when she “went to meet old college friends in Europe” may have been spent sitting in the confines of her home, in darkness, pain and despair.

The Group members and I are still not sure why she felt the need to put on a facade of perfection. I wish I had read between the lines. And I wish I had shared with her the glorious hope that Jesus puts in my heart to get me through tough days.

I’m praying for strength to understand and process what happened. I know the Lord wasn’t blindsighted. He allowed it to happen for a reason. And I thank God for family and for giving me hope that sustains me from day to day.

Ephesians 1:18-20

I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms…

———————————————————————————————————-

Update from Laura in Florida: Nina – Diane’s two year old puppy – has been hospitalized and is in critical condition. Laura suspects the stress and lack of care over the past few weeks are taking their toll. Nina is still on IV fluids and is refusing food. We are hoping she will pull through. At this time, the hospitalization bill is over $5,000 and mounting, and Laura and Mike have footed a good part of the bill. If you are able to help, please contact the animal hospital directly. They are aware of the situation. Here’s more info:

Karen Stavino, Hospital Administrator
Coral Springs Animal Hospital
1730 University Drive
Coral Springs, FL 33071
(954) 753-1800 Extension 6003

Here’s a photo of little Nina who is struggling to stay alive.